I smelled her perfume on my bike ride this morning. Design, that’s the one I remember her by, though she had many on her fragrance tray. It was so strong for so long I was certain she was riding alongside me, or flying, or whatever it is you do when your spirit is no longer confined by your body. I found myself pushed along by the tandem emotions of pleasure and regret. The pleasure of her fragrance brought the image of her smile and the way her teeth slightly overlapped in the front. It was part of her charm every time she threw her head back and laughed. The gentleness of her soul always shined through and covered over the private hurts of life’s blows that dwelled beneath. But, in my young years I often heard her pleas to heaven in the night releasing her fears and regrets to the One who knew what was best. Now, here I was pedaling past my own regrets of how I could have been a better daughter to her. I felt the tears brimming as I found myself apologizing. Why is life lived with so much left unsaid? Why is it so hard for the words to flow out from the heart without getting caught in the throat and choked back down? What do we have but maybe 70 or 80 years in this life and yet much of it is spent in hesitation, everyone walking around with unsure steps on wobbly legs with each other. It seems like such a waste, so much stunted growth.
I know what she would say though if she could speak across dimensions, she’d smile and say “It’s okay dear, you’re gonna be okay dear.” That side of heaven she can see that by Design God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him. You see, she has seen the face of God and glory changes everything. All the uncertainties, those underpinnings of hesitation are made crystal clear in the light of his face. All the regrets, those thieves of joy, put to rest by the touch of his hand. And pleasure, well, it is the very fragrance tray of heaven that fills the air.
So, the next time you feel yourself hesitating don’t be afraid to let those words flow from your heart to another’s. Take the risk. There is growth to be had this side of heaven and you are part of the Design. But also know that if you don’t he will work it through for some good. Nothing is ever wasted with God.
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10